The surprisingly simple reason kids have imaginary friends
40 points
4 days ago
| 9 comments
| vox.com
| HN
rednafi
1 day ago
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We all have imaginary friends that we believe will one day make us magically more successful, rich, and beautiful. It’s just hard for us to observe that from within the system.

Kids, on the other hand, are simple creatures. They’ll demonstrate exactly what they feel and think. That makes observing this effect much easier.

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luhsprwhk
1 day ago
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"If you find your child talking to a can of tomato paste, don't worry". I don't think anyone's ever been worried about kids having imaginary friends. So long as the furniture doesn't start moving by itself.
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devit
1 day ago
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Probably because humans are supposed to naturally live in groups where human friends are plentiful, but lots of human children instead live only with parents.
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numbsafari
1 day ago
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I grew up with six siblings on a cul-de-sac filled with other families with 3+ children (enough kids for two complete baseball teams) and had imaginary friends.
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xyzzy_plugh
1 day ago
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There's no such thing "supposed to naturally" as "supposed to."

We aren't "supposed to" be like the other animals on our planet? Or are many mothers and newborns "supposed to naturally" die during child birth?

It's difficult to have a productive, thoughtful conversation when it starts this way.

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sixo
1 day ago
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It's difficult to have a productive, thoughtful conversation when someone reads a moral imperative into the phrase "supposed to" and starts lecturing about it.

The sense of "supposed to" above is: the human system was "designed" for a certain environment, and its behaviors make sense there. Outside of that environment many behaviors won't make sense, but can easily be explained by reference to the original environment. This is not a moral point, although it is one often employed in moral arguments.

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xyzzy_plugh
1 day ago
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Your explanation makes sense but wasn't remotely my interpretation. I'm still unsure if I can interpret it as such.
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WillPostForFood
1 day ago
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At the same time, you can't ignore what we are evolutionarily. If we evolved in small groups or tribes, it is natural to have traits that work better in tribes. Take the judgement out of "natural" or "supposed to" and call it "as designed", or "as evolved".
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xyzzy_plugh
1 day ago
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Of course we can ignore it. We do it all the time.

Maybe those traits are good for working better in tribes, but irrelevant, or worse, harmful in the modern age?

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jandrese
1 day ago
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Maybe better phrased as: "Humans evolved in small communities for thousands of years, but those communities had to be larger than a single family unit in order to survive, so there is an instinctive urge for humans to be in communities."
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andrewflnr
1 day ago
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This is where the steelman comes in. Replace "supposed to" with "have adapted to over the last thousands to millions of years" and enjoy the productive conversation.
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xyzzy_plugh
1 day ago
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Thank you for this. You are correct.

My thinking aligns here, insofar that it's not apparent to me that the current situation is somehow less bad than any historical scenario.

In some sense it all comes down to what we're measuring. What are we measuring here exactly?

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EGreg
1 day ago
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You gave up too quickly. Allow me to steelman YOUR point LOL

Let’s go with what his rewritten suggestion is saying, and see how it reads in various contexts…

“Aren’t humans supposed to be not exclusively homosexual? The only species with actually observed exclusively homosexual individuals are humans and domesticated sheep. In every other species, including Bonobos, individuals may be seen engaging in occasional homosexual behavior but then “defect” eventually and hook up to impregnate the females. So perhaps gay men and lesbians doth protest too much. Maybe they are all open to a heterosexual encounter here and there. The drop in genetic fitness of a purely homosexual preference would be so low that it would have been heavily selected against by evolution.”

Of course, this can show that humans have recently made biological evolution not apply as much, with sperm banks, contraception, reducing child mortality to negligible levels etc. They moved past historically high levels of war, polygamy, forcible intercourse, human trafficking, etc. As Steven Pinker details in “The Better Angels of our Nature”.

And before that, they already used rudimentary technology to make eunuchs, castratos, Shakesperian actors playing women etc.

And therefore the idea of “should have” is relative now. “This is how it’s always been so this is the way it has to be”. And with AI, it gets fuzzier still!

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andrewflnr
1 day ago
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This is where we get to goals rather than facts, but I'd argue that trying to second-guess gay people's sexuality is a distraction. The moral principle is to let consulting adults do what they want, as long as they're not hurting anyone. Nothing after that needs to matter more than a bar conversation.

(Yeah, that probably sounds like moving the goalposts. In a lot of cases the goal will be implicit and you can just talk in your debate partner's languages of "supposed to", and that's the situation I was imagining in my first post. But if it gets messy, then yeah, you'll need to get explicit about is-ought.)

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EGreg
1 day ago
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I think you’re writing off David Hume and his is-ought distinction too readily hehe

Besides, isn’t evolutionary psychology too full of unfalsifiable just-so stories LOL

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andrewflnr
1 day ago
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Regardless of "just-so" stories, there exists a physical truth of how our ancestors lived. Sometimes we can learn it, and should at least consider how it affects us, and pretty often (I suspect anyway) the optimal choice will be changing our habits rather than fighting our nature. (Though sometimes "considering" means figuring out how to do better).
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bmandale
1 day ago
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The idea that something is "supposed to" happen is a normative statement. But the idea that we aren't "supposed to" do anything is also normative, and is therefore self-contradictory. Any proposition that we are supposed to do one thing or another is not necessarily correct, but at least it is self consistent.
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Taek
1 day ago
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My first response to this comment was very poorly received. I initially thought I had been polite and straightforward, but upon reflection I guess it came across as pretty dismissive. That wasn't my intention at all, and I'm sorry for not presenting a more considerate comment.

My experience growing up had many friends who had imaginary friends, and the highly social ones with grandparents and other extended family at home also had imaginary friends. It's not my anecdotal experience that humans living in groups would lead to fewer imaginary friends.

I queued up a DeepResearch question, and got back the following result: "imaginary friends are by no means a purely “Western” phenomenon – the potential for children to imagine friends is a human trait that transcends culture" [1]

It does seem to be the case that communal upbringing results in lower rates of imaginary friends, but it does *not* seem to be the case that imaginary friends are a byproduct of children living only with their parents.

[1] https://chatgpt.com/share/67ea28bd-d674-8000-b4da-188bb56fe2...

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0_____0
1 day ago
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What reasoning do you have to back this vs. the researchers conclusion that they're doing it mostly "for fun?"

Like, it sounds plausible, but you'd need to show something like an increase in imaginary friend development in places where children are isolated or lonely.

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SecretDreams
1 day ago
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> Like, it sounds plausible

It sounds like ass talk that is hard to refute or confirm.

I could just as easily say we have imaginary friends to help in cognitive development/processing that the real world isn't adequately fulfilling.

It sounds great and might even be possible.. but it came from my ass.

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numbsafari
1 day ago
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From the ass of Secret Dreams, comes Imaginary Friends.
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JackFr
1 day ago
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The authors cited a study saying just that:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38603042/

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jhanschoo
1 day ago
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By this line of reasoning, you'd say that play observed in cats is due to a lack of hunting opportunities, even though cats play in the wild.
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Taek
1 day ago
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Do you have links to research or other credible sources that establish kids who have plentiful friends don't also have imaginary friends?

Your statement intuitively feels false to me, and I would like you to defend it.

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jackyinger
1 day ago
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On the meta level, if a statement seems false the burden is on you to prove it. You’re asking your counterpart to do all the work.

On the subject level…

Have you ever seen a troop of monkeys hanging out? They definitely aren’t operating as modern atomic families, and we’re pretty closely related.

Geez, it was only several generations ago that multigenerational family cohabitation was common. And from my personal experience, growing up in a small town and hang out with other kids at will was great.

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doganugurlu
1 day ago
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> On the meta level, if a statement seems false the burden is on you to prove it. You’re asking your counterpart to do all the work.

This shouldn’t have bothered me so much but, since when the burden of proof is on those who question the validity of a statement?

That would mean everything I say must be taken as valid unless you can prove them wrong. In some cases you would have to prove the absence of things which is impossible. And if I have the loudest megaphone, my “facts” would dominate.

I don’t think you would prefer that to everyone being responsible for providing proof of validity for their statements.

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jgwil2
1 day ago
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The burden of proof is always on the person making an affirmative claim. It's absolutely not on anyone to disprove every false-seeming statement; there's far too much bullshit in the world for that.
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hetman
1 day ago
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The burden of proof generally lies with the one making the claim. As Hitchens's razor states: "what may be asserted without evidence may be dismissed without evidence."

Anyway, only because something feels intuitive, it doesn’t make it true. In this instance the original claim seems to contradict the article which states imaginary friends are not the result of loneliness but the process by which children explore the complexities of real relationships… i.e. a form of subconscious thought experiment.

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wisty
1 day ago
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So imaginary friends is a new phenomenon? Anna Seward (18th century poet) wrote about them.
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Townley
1 day ago
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> These companions can take a variety of forms — in the 2004 study, which looked at 100 6- and 7-year olds, 57 percent of imaginary friends were human, 41 percent were animals, and one was “a human capable of transforming herself into any animal the child wanted.”

Real world data is a messy thing

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mmooss
1 day ago
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The question is, why don't you have an imaginary friend? It doesn't preclude Homo sapiens friends.
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LeonB
1 day ago
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I carry around a little illuminated square on which i interact with imaginary friends. Right now I’m imagining that `mmooss` has just asked me a question.

Only thing is, how do I know for sure that I’m not the imaginary one?

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dhosek
1 day ago
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You are. I’m the only real person in the universe.
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MathMonkeyMan
1 day ago
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Your friend would have to have quite the imagination for you to feel that you exist.
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0_____0
1 day ago
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Alright, calm down there PKD Jr.

Cogito, ergo sum?

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dhosek
1 day ago
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Ego sum sed non possum scire tu es.
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jacknews
1 day ago
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Sometimes our imaginary friends are in fact real people, lol.
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cperciva
1 day ago
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In my 3 year old's case, it's largely a matter of re-enacting scenes from her life or things she has seen in cartoons. For example, she has three rubber duckies in the bath, one of which is larger than the other two; that's "Mommy duck" and sometimes she tells the "baby ducks" that she has to go off to work because she's the concertmaster of the orchestra, at which point the baby ducks complain and ask her to stay home with them instead.

Young kids struggle to think about things in abstract; re-enacting situations is a natural part of how they come to understand their experiences. In this case, it's the experience of being left alone with Daddy because Mommy is going to work.

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mmooss
1 day ago
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Adults run through things in their heads, sometimes repeatedly, sometimes obsessively for much of their lives (in the case of trauma). We just feel too limited to act it out with toys - but why not? We'll even watch movies, plays, read books, partly because they enact things that trouble us - we'll do anything but be seen to act it out ourselves.
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lesuorac
1 day ago
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My pet theory is this is why adults stagnate while child seem to be sponges.

Children will repeat / re-enact things (and just try stuff in general) while adults are too stubborn about looking foolish.

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csallen
1 day ago
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> …these friendships used to be seen as a sign of loneliness or other problems…

> One study found that Japanese children played with their personified objects more during the pandemic than they had beforehand, suggesting an increased role for these imaginary companions during times of isolation…

So lonely isolated kids turn to imaginary friends more often. But imaginary friends are not a sign of loneliness.

Right.

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bongodongobob
1 day ago
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I might eat more when I'm depressed. But just because I went out and ate a big meal on a Friday night doesn't mean I'm depressed.
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csallen
1 day ago
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"A sign of" something is not the same as "definitively the cause of" something.

A runny nose is a sign of a cold, even though you can have a runny nose without a cold.

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spongebobstoes
1 day ago
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Logically -- scientifically -- a runny nose might not be said to be "a sign of a cold". That is, it is not sufficient evidence to indicate a cold. When paired with other data, it may contribute to a diagnosis. It's not unrelated.

Similarly, an imaginary friend is not "a sign of" loneliness. On its own. When grouped with other data, maybe together they are.

It's just a difference in language usage. "A sign of X" might be taken to mean that on its own, X is implied. Or it might be taken to mean that it can be a contributing factor, but on it's own is meaningless.

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thaumasiotes
1 day ago
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The article treats imaginary friends and personification of objects as being the same thing -- while noting that this is not how people actually use the term "imaginary friend" -- so it draws a bizarre conclusion. Nobody is surprised that children like to play with dolls and stuffed animals.

Personification is something everybody does all the time.

Imaginary friends are something children sometimes do because the culture transmits the idea that they should.

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sundarurfriend
1 day ago
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Archive link for those that get paywalled: https://archive.is/2IsnY
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an0malous
1 day ago
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This reasoning seems circular. In order to practice social skills with an imaginary friend, the friend you imagine would have to have realistic behavior, you would already need a fairly accurate model of behavior to imagine the friend to get any benefit from it. If you imagine a friend who communicates by barking and eats rocks, what social benefit would you get?
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EGreg
1 day ago
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That’s like saying that dreams don’t do anything to test drive what if scenarios because you will need a realistic model of behavior … or alphago’s self-play didnt improve anything because the opponent was at every moment equally good LOL.
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an0malous
1 day ago
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Who says that dreams are to test drive scenarios? If anything, research suggests dreams are to process events that already happened.

Self play works for games with bounded rules and clear definitions of success. The majority of ML algorithms including LLMs don’t train on their own outputs because it makes their results garbage.

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